This afternoon I ate pizza with my son and we watched 50 First Dates.It is one of my favorite movies,and ofcourse at the end I always cry,even though I already know whats going to happen,unlike she does in the movie.As I sit and relate to this movie about a girl that had an accident,now has only a long time memory,and cannot remember day to day,she just starts over each day,and wishes she could remember each day so she could go forward. I think I am the opposite in my life somedays. I wish I could just go back in time and relive a day that brought so much happiness and all my family was together.If I could relive that each day for the rest of my life I think I would be one happy girl. Instead I remember how beautiful the past was,and how it gave me so much joy,I see the present day that gives me so much heartache,but I cannot see the future and what it is going to bring. See, I have two beautiful girls,and they really are beautiful,but they aren't in my life any longer.Each day I wake without them brings more pain.No one can really understand until they too have walked this road.I don't know why God has allowed it,maybe to teach us, maybe to bring us closer to Him.I certainly have done that.I couldn't walk this road without Him,He is my strength,and gives me grace that I am so undeserving of each day.He walks with me through my hurt,and there are days that He has to carry me,because I just cannot walk alone.I know He has heard my prayers,I pray each day all throughout the day,but I am still waiting on Him.I have learned what patience is.It is knowing God is in control,knowing nothing comes to me without first going through Him,and knowing that God isnt my genie in a bottle.I cannot snap my fingers and have Him grant my wishes.He isn't a shooting star,that I can make a wish upon and wow,heres my gift.He is my Savior,my Father.He answers prayer according to His will and His time,not mine,He knows what is best,He also knows the past,present,and future.He knows the hearts of us all,and He knows what my heart desires.He gives what we need,not what we want,and He doesn't always explain this or that of a situation.We just have to choose to follow,and love Him,knowing that He first loved me. My daughters are very special,and they are so talented,and they have huge hearts,that hurt also.It is like when you fall and scrape your knee,it has to heal from the outside first,and as that scab covers to protect the inside that is still injured,it takes time to heal,its not a one day process.If your not careful,you can get on the bike too soon and there you go falling again and opening that old wound,and now it has to start the healing process over again.We must make sure we care for our wound,protect it,apply medicine,and wrap it up tight to keep all the germs out,and so you won't injure it again. See,we all made mistakes,my daughters,and I too.They spread their wings just a little to soon,and while trying to do that,they made mistakes that hurt.As they too were making mistakes,I made a few of my own.No one is blameless,and its not really us.It is satan destroying what God had built for His glory.Satan sneaks in and steals right before your eyes.Then the things that you loved most in this world are gone within a moment.You can say a thousand sorry's,but does it really ever heal?If we truelly forgive,are we not also to forget? When we are hurting,you would think we have it all figured out by now,but instead we just keep making mistakes.Hurt people,hurt people they love sometimes,not meaning to.I can open up all my pictures,watch movies of our girls,get out all my cards,and sit with a glass of tea,and just be at peace for just a moment,but then I have to put all those things away,and start a new day.Hoping that this will be the day when God opens our eyes,and allows our hearts to heal.I am still waiting upon that day,for I will never give up hope. I wish our hearts could all just forget,and move forward into a new day,but until then I will hang on to my hope that the Lord has placed in my heart,for He knows how much I love my daughters,and He even loves them more.I will praise His name everyday for the moments I have shared with them,and carry the guilt I have for the days I have not. I hope one day the Son will shine upon us, and all that we have been through will be for Gods glory.
